Heavy

What a weird few weeks.

Family update:  We’re doing okay.  We’re taking it one day at a time, although this week has blown the last out of the water as far as emotions are going.  Even though it’s all winding down, I changed practices, so now my doctors are awesome instead of stupid.  We’ve also got such a wonderful community here that have surrounded us with love, food, and general hangout-time.

Growing a baby is sort of weird thing.  I’ve only experienced a week of knowing about it, but God used every second of that week to show my deepest darkest desires.  My heart was filled with passions that I didn’t even know about, and now I’m praying it through to try and make these blurry shapes a little more clear.

I also desperately want life to get back to normal.  But the thing about losing a baby is–everything just seems a little trivial in comparison.  I want to post my DIY insta-frames, but it’s a little too meaningless right now.  I really want to read through my adoption books, but that’s a little too important right now.  I’d really like to go on a run, but it’s way too cold, and buying cold-weather jogging clothes–the idea of shopping in general–is a little too pointless right now.

Any of you miscarriage mamas feel/felt the same?

This post probably comes off as a lot more emo/goth/depressive than what I’m actually feeling at the moment.  Trust me, the mourning period is over, and now it’s just trying to get back into the rhythms of life over here.  Right now I’m focusing on cleaning the house, making dinner, and getting through a workday filled with moody teens.  That’s enough for now.

But I’m still praying through those God-filled passions.

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3 thoughts on “Heavy

  1. I miscarried in December. It was really hard. I went from very excited to worried and angry in a matter of days. It was a very traumatic experience. Luckily, I had great doctors and nurses that were there to answer all my questions and a husband that did everything he could to help me. It was painful, physically and emotionally. After my miscarriage I was angry and not myself for a couple of weeks. I thought I was done grieving but it was took a little bit longer for me to actually be ok with everything that was going on with my body and my mind. I took me a good month to even think about trying again….or even want to do anything like that. The days will get easier and you will get back in the groove of things. Give yourself time to grieve and give it to God. That is finally what I had to do to get over my anger and hurt. I am praying for you!

  2. I am so proud of you, Caitlin. Hi there!

    I’ve been reading your posts (by the way, thank you for the invite to do so) and have enjoyed every one of them. I’ve been impressed with your strength, faith and resolve that has resonated in the last few of them too.

    You have really been on my heart and mind the last several days and I haven’t emailed because of your “what not to say” post, but I always say the wrong thing anyway so after today’s post and your question about the feelings of anyone else that had been through something like this, I decided I’d like to email you back. No, I haven’t personally experienced this but I was raised by an amazing woman (like yourself), that was pregnant for nine months, all to lose her first born at it’s birth. My mom doesn’t have email right now, but she is only a phone call away. 979-345-3843 and I know she would even gladly accept a collect call (or do they evem do that now?). She didn’t talk about it much as we grew up, but the few times she did, I only remember words of great love and deep hope – much like what I’ve been reading in your posts. Again, I am so proud of you. 

    What I CAN tell you is that life is a lot like an amusement park roller coaster ride – so many ups and downs. Oddly, the “downs” on the coaster are funner on the ride, the “ups” funner in life. The “downs” cause the screaming, just like in life.  All that to say, I hope you buckle yourself in the ride, hang on tight, and enjoy every single minute. Just like in life, it passes so very quickly! (You may not agree until you are 50 like me, but one day you WILL agree!) 

    You have an audience that may be drawing strength from you at this very moment so again, I am so proud of you Caitlin.

    I’ve probably said all the wrong things and if I did, I apologize, it was not intentional. If I were close, I’d come and not say a word. Ok, I’d try. I would push you to go with me on a run (or walk), push you to go shopping with me, go out to eat of course, and maybe watch a movie (even though that’s not my favorite past time).  

    If you EVER need anything, all you have to do is ask. I’d be there as quickly as I could, I’d get you here as fast as possible, get your mom there, whatever you need.

    Take GOOD care of yourself – we can all help, but we can’t do it nearly as good as YOU can.

    I love you, Caitlin! Neva

    Sent via the Samsung Galaxy S™III, an AT&T 4G LTE smartphoneslightly overrated with a hint of lime wrote:

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