On Moving

There’s been a lot of change going on around here.  Getting children.  Moving.  And I keep thinking about this blog of mine.

I haven’t been writing because I don’t know what to write.  I’m a SAHM now, whatever that really means, and to be honest my life is starting to revolve around my family (and Jesus) more than anything else.  But because I’m so passionate about keeping my kids off the internet, it’s getting hard to write about what’s really going on around here.  And honestly, when that’s all I want to write about, the other stuff just doesn’t get out.

Plus, not writing about anything means I’m not writing anything anywhere.  And that’s not really the point either.

I hate that this blog takes up too much of my thinking space.  I hate feeling guilty when I’m not writing.  I hate that I have to look at my stats or wonder how to get more readers or wonder why I feel the need to get more readers.  Remember, I started blogging way back when blogs were just blogs.  Now it’s all about how to get readers and work with brands and make money, and I’m not into that.  At all.

But having this blog is making me obsess over things like that.  And I don’t like it.  And my husband doesn’t like it.  So I’m officially quitting blogging as it’s known today.  I’m done.  Sure, I might come back, but really I’m finished with all this internet world is in to right now.  It’s a space I don’t like to be in or like myself when I’m in it.

I also went through a lot these last few months.  For a while my husband and I felt like we were being attacked by Satan in a lot of ways–in his job, in our church family, in our marriage.  A lot of things I said on this blog were taken in a way not meant to be at all (and I’ve tried really hard not to be so controversial!) and all this started happening right when we brought our children home.  It’s incredibly difficult to describe what went on during these last few months.  But after things started happening I decided that my kids’ first experience of Jesus should not be from people who are aggravated with us as leaders or with people taking out their frustrations on us.  They’ve had plenty of years to experience evil, and they’ll have plenty of times when they come across Christians who are struggling in their sin.  But their first experience should not be what was happening.

I feel this desire to shield them and protect them and keep them away from all this.  As much as I’m hating Texas right now, I can’t help but sigh with relief that we won’t be running into birth family at the supermarket or someone ready to yell at me while I’m dropping off a package at the grocery store.  There are no reminders of what they went through down here and we’ve left behind almost all of what our hurt stems from (and what is left is mostly found online).  I not only want to shield them, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like holing up into my little space with my family for a time for us all to heal.

But…I’m a writer.  And I have a terrible memory.  And I enjoy this “space” that I can call my own and “decorate” how I want.  So I created a new blog (my 7th? blog) for just my family.  It’s all about our adventures to the Children’s Museum and how we like to eat ice cream in our car seats.  It’s incredibly boring but I love it there.  My plan is to keep it more of an online journal style with something I can print out later.  I want to make our US IN updates into photo books, and start taking (amateurish) monthly portraits of the kiddies and print those, too.

I’ve made lots of friends on this ol’ blog.  And the only reason I’m writing this is because I’m incredibly grateful of your kind words through all our struggles, whether you know them or not.  I’ve loved your own adoption stories and your advice in different situations. So I’m going to invite you to this blog, too.  Knowing that it’s not searchable to the public.  I can’t promise it won’t be terribly boring, but boy it will be terribly lovely.  And safe.

Hope to see you there sometime.

–Caitlin

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