In an effort to practice more writing and less blogging (and to try to work up to that 1000 words a day goal that I wrote about and subsequently ignored) I’m going to start posting a writer’s style weekend recap on Mondays. A post where I talk about my weekend at great length with lots of details on specific feelings and such, and less of a bulleted run-down with pictures in-between. So, you’ll either love it or hate it. But at the very least, I hope you appreciate it.
Walking along the hot sand yesterday, a bag of beach toys in one hand, the hand of a daughter in the other, I couldn’t help but wish so suddenly for fall. Perhaps it was the fact that it was just 80 degrees–which up here could mean a hot, summer’s day or a cool, crisp fall afternoon–and I just wanted to be out of shorts and into jeans with a soft scarf wrapped around my neck.
I’ve never craved fall before. I anxiously await the heat. I sit around enjoying the throes of summer. I relish each bead of sweat the falls down my forehead.
Now I want fall.
We drove an hour north to Wingaersheek beach yesterday, the only beach we’ve found with white sand, tidepools, and miles of cool water that’s barely waist deep. The only beach with sand that will make a proper castle because of its lack of rocks. We climbed all over the big rocks close to the shoreline. We waded with the minnows. We packed our buckets full of sand and turned them upside down. Littlest just kept pouring sand from one bucket into another. Little clutched Daddy’s hand and waded out in the waters for hours.
I would be lying if I said that I’m enjoying this season to the fullest. I would be lying if I said that each time I look into my daughters’ faces I feel this quick tug on my heart. I would be lying if I said that I was prepared to be right where I am.
I can truthfully say that I’m so glad I have these exact two daughters. And that it makes me so happy to see them smile, to say a kind “Hello!” to strangers we pass, to hear them call me “Mom” or “Mama” or “Mommy.” It makes me content to know they’re not leaving and that we’re done with this one part of the journey (even if legal guardianship is still to come).
But I think I’m beginning to crave that moment all moms say they have of looking at their child for the first time and becoming instantly overwhelmed with joy and love. I still have to practice that one. In the midst of being angry or impatient I often have to remind myself that these are actually my children, no one is coming through that door to relieve me of my babysitting duties, and that if I want the rest of the afternoon to go well perhaps it’s my attitude I should change.
I’m beginning to crave that next season in motherhood when my brain automatically realizes that I am a mom and sees these two as my own children, instead of me having to work to get there. I’m beginning to crave that next season in our marriage when we become more of a team rather than two people that live together. I’m beginning to crave new beginnings–new move, new home, new family, new friendships.
I’m craving an almost fresh start, where people stop asking me How’s it going? because they’ve assumed that I was the one who birthed these children 4 and 2 years ago, and why would they want to know how I’m doing?
I need that crisp air to dig itself in and encircle all of us and carry us away into a new season of parenting, marriage, and living.
Perhaps I’m giving too much credit to fall. After all, it’s done little for me before except bring a work week. I don’t like pumpkin flavored anything, I don’t care for hot chocolate or hot coffee, and I don’t routine pop in to Starbucks to see a changing menu. But there’s something different about this fall. I smell cooler air and new promises on the horizon. Things I’m going to soak in as much as I would a beating hot sun.
And even if this fall brings more of the same pain, struggles, frustrations, and long-suffering as the rest of the year has, I’m going to trust that it’s for my own good.